Gather green onions
3 posts in
28 Oct 2015, No.237
I thought I was ready for what's behind that door. I was wrong.
There was only one solemn door in this blank room. I stood in front of that door, waiting. I didn't know what I was waiting for, but I was waiting. Facing the door, I stared. I didn't know what I was looking for, but I kept staring. I didn't feel the need to open the door. I didn't know why, but none of this really bothered me. So I kept waiting. The door opened. I looked to see what was hidden behind those solid barriers. Inside, I saw... another door. With nothing to lose, I moved on. As soon as I passed through the first door, it shut itself behind me. I was surprised, but I wasn't shocked. So I proceeded to the next door. This door was smaller than that solemn door before. The room was smaller, too. It was filled with many things. I didn't care enough to tell what they were. I tried to open the small door. I didn't know why I wanted to. So I waited like before, but this time I was restless. Waiting felt long. Wanting to distract myself, I looked around the room. There were nothing but books. Stacks of books. Piles of books. Towers of books. I had little choice but to pursue the contents of those books. I felt tired. The big, solemn door had long disappeared. The small door is still not opening. I'm getting more and more restless everyday. I don't know why I felt like this. The feeling of needing to leave this room was immense, yet I saw no real need to. More than anything, I wanted to escape the room. So I devised a plan on how to. I finished my plan. By using the books, I created a tower. I wanted to knock the door down. I was ready. I proceeded on my plan. By making that clumsily built tower fall right, I broke down the door. Satisfied, I ran towards the door.
"Are you ready for what is beyond this door?"
Ready? Of course I was ready. I broke down the door myself.
"... I see. Then there is no reason to stop you."
"Just know that you cannot go back once you pass this door."
There was no way I would go back. I had wanted to get out of this room ever since I've been in it. So I proceeded past the broken door. Why did I go on. I want to go back. Why did I want to get out of that room so much? I would think back... I knew. I was nothing on my own. If I got out of that room, then I could have something I could call "mine". I was so stupid. That tower I built to break that door. Couldn't I have called that "mine"? Why did I want more? In this place where I had nothing to lose because I had lost it all. Everything that I had wanted. Everything that I had had. Even that tower of books, It can't help me now.
21 Apr 2015, No.235
Run, run as fast as you can, because others are faster than you.
I’ve realized recently that my friends are growing up around me. It makes me feel lonely. Would they forget about me? I want to run after them, but a part of me keeps me back. Is it wrong to stay a child? Is it wrong to want to stay a child? I know everybody still has that childhood inside them, but what about me? Wanting to have sleepovers and have pillow fights, wanting to laugh about boys, wanting to make childish jokes and laugh at them, are they all worthless? Do I have to throw them to grow up? Putting on makeup, going shopping for clothes, dating boys, dieting, are they what I have to do to grow up? I don’t like that. I want to be with my friends when I grow up, but I don’t want to do those things. I’m scared. I don’t want to be alone. I’m scared. Please tell me what to do.
21 Apr 2015, No.234
What does it feel like to be lonely? Who knows, you wouldn't know until you acknowledge the idea.
I wonder… What is this feeling? It’s that feeling when you’re disappointed in something, but at the same time there’s this feeling of anguish in it. I don’t get it. I wish someone would tell me. My friends are here today. I like to call them friends. I talk with them every day after all. They’re a friendly bunch, saying spontaneous things that pop up in their heads whenever they like. I wonder how they do that. Maybe it’s like talking to your family. It’s hard. Maybe I’ll try again tomorrow. Home. It’s a nice place. I feel comfortable here. I get on my computer and go on the Internet. It’s a relaxing habit. My family isn't home, so I can do anything I want. I relish that. I finish school work, then I get the rest of the time off. I wonder.